Saturday, July 9, 2011

The Bottom Drops Out

No, I’m not referring to Thai politics (yet).

We can’t always get what we want.
Sometimes, the people you most expect to be there for you in life aren’t. Or, they are, but they aren’t supportive in the ways you need, or in the decisions you’ve made, because those decisions conflict with their vision of what your life should be.

Somehow you have to find the strength to push forward any way.

I don’t expect anyone to understand. But the fact remains. One of the people I’ve most expected to be supportive in my life, isn’t, and has been actively undermining my efforts to be away from the state of Indiana for months.

Various people have commented on my negative tone since embarking on my adventure. Well, yeah, in addition to cultural misunderstanding, my personal elephant in the room has been infiltrating my tone quite a bit. It’s taken a lot of self-control to also keep the content of this matter a bit more private. And I’ve gone through many periods of my life where I failed at keeping it private all together, and was often rather difficult to even stand to be around as a result. But this is affecting me too much to stay completely silent.

I’m sure I’ve just opened myself up for a new slew of criticism or “Yes we support you!”s. But, I’m not referring to any of the people that will respond with those comments.

I’m done seeking support where I only find pain, guilt and lies. It hurts. I know it hurts the other person involved as well. I’m not clueless or heartless.

But I’m not going to keep putting myself in the line of fire. I’m not going to keep putting my dreams on hold. And I’m not giving them up simply because it makes someone else uncomfortable for me to venture so far from home.

This is my life. I deserve to be happy, as you’ve said yourself, and I deserve that on my terms not yours. It’s really hard to actually believe that you deserve to be happy when it hasn’t been on your own terms for over a decade. It kind of invalidates the concept when it’s been held captive to someone else’s definition of how to go about it. Yeah my happiness my responsibility, I know, and I’m taking control back now. It’s going to take some time; no one else needs to rush me either.

I know you’re not reading this unless someone directs you to. I just want to say I’m done playing your games. I’m done listening to you tell me what’s wrong with me, and invalidate the things I say while making me listen to your hurts. I laid out all of the things I’m done with long ago, and you continue to disregard that. So I’m just done. You’re going to have to figure out how to be happy without me, because I don’t know how to be happy with you constantly bringing me back down.

And I do deserve to be happy.

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