This is a rather disorganized stream of consciousness.
Enjoy, or yell at me for lack of editing. But here it is in all its glory.
Warning: I talk about religion.
Yes I know it’s now autumn approaching winter. But this is
currently the track stuck in my head. No actually I haven’t watched Gatsby. No
actually I still haven’t finished the novel since 11
th grade – but
hey. What a great city to reflect on that luxury, Shanghai.
I had every intention of reflecting on my four days in Bangkok, and then
reflecting on the acquisition of a blue couch, and then reflecting…bother. This
will all be one jumble instead of separate, cleanly divided thoughts. Live
messy.
I spent four days in Bangkok over the October holiday for Chinese National day.
If you’d like an explanation of the Chinese holiday calendar – might I suggest
reading:
http://www.bjreview.com.cn/nation/txt/2013-10/14/content_572077.htm
or
http://blogs.wsj.com/chinarealtime/2010/09/17/china-holiday-schedule-is-hard-work/
Both indicate this is possibly the most complicated Chinese holiday/work day schedule
ever, or at least for 500 years. And actually, our school, and many other work
places, modified this schedule further still, so figuring out when your friends
are working and when they are free has been a big free for all. And yes, we’ve
had some Saturday workdays – though we have yet to have a Sunday – there is one
Sunday workday in a few months, another Saturday/six day workweek in November.
Woo! Go team! Confused? Me too.
So I went to Bangkok. Part nostalgia and part I have loose ends to wrap up and
what not. It was a good visit. I got to see some friends. Still missed some
people I would have liked to see again. But overall, despite my nostalgia, in
many ways, it helped me remember why I left, too. And it helped me wrap up
enough loose ends to feel like that chapter is closed, (though not everything).
Some things may just be left hanging, such is life. I have no belongings left
in Bangkok that I intend to retrieve; I cut down and gave away some more before
returning to Shanghai. That’s all done. It’s a relief.
And even on days I long for my balcony, my mango tree and staring up at the
stars, in the words of a dear friend, “we knew it was time for you to go.”
Bangkok will always have a special place in my heart. But the ways I changed
and grew in that city, up to the point I felt I hit a wall – challenged me in
ways I never expected. I expect no less from Shanghai.
“…Nothing scares me any more. Kiss me hard before you go, Summertime Sadness, I
just wanted you to know, that baby you’re the best.”
On to the domesticity of the couch, then. I distinctly
remember a time when I thought to myself, I’m so close to college graduation,
and when I get out, get my job and my own apartment (HA like it’s just another
check box, it’s not that simple dear) – I’m going to get a couch. I’m going to
get a huge couch, a deep-seated couch, maybe denim, not classy but supremely
comfortable – and when I own a couch, I will be an adult, I will have ‘made
it.’
HA! Well folks, it took me a few more years than I planned, and I’ve moved past
that silly metric of adulthood or ‘making it,’ but nonetheless, I purchased a
turquoise IKEA couch last week. I had it delivered, and then I assembled it all
on my own. Really not that hard, even if it took some effort. And I sat on my
couch and thought, well now Jenny, you have your couch. This isn’t quite what
you expected, (although somewhat satisfying), now is it?
So glad I bit the bullet and did it last week – despite my aversion to debt, my
new friend and colleague has a point – the longer you put it off, the less time
you have to enjoy it. My current furniture shopping spree will be paid off in
less than three months. Would be sooner, except for the particulars of
International wire transfer I’m working under. Don’t ask questions, I got this.
In the meantime I have a couch to sit on. Sometimes, money is just for
spending. Within reason. But money is a made up construct, like so many things
– who is setting the rules any way? I have a couch and I am slightly more
comfortable, if not outright happy, for it. Ah, consumption. Enough on money
matters today.
Transition? We don’t need no stinking transition. Brain doesn’t have those.
On cognitive dissonance in every day life: So, I’ve alluded to having some
difficulty adjusting to life in China, and how actually, it’s less to do with
China than other factors. Let’s discuss this. A lot of it has to do with
religion. If you know me well enough, you will know that, when forced into a
corner (or when asked in a moving taxi) and told to pick a label, I will go
with “maybe?” or really, agnostic, but I’d really rather not play with labels
or take sides. And with that, I’m supremely uncomfortable with conservative
Christianity, as well as very hard line atheism, when directly confronted on
the issue. It’s a rock and a hard place for me, in a Communist country where
the rules about religion have eased in recent years, but are still certainly
very much in place, to be surrounded by so much religion. And neither am I
comfortable with those who outright shun it rather than politely side step. In
the words of Ira Glass, “this is not what I signed up for.”
Really, honestly – I like the thought that, “there is no reason for the Lord
Buddha and the Lord Jesus to fight,” I prefer to sit on the fence than take
sides. Call it cowardice or call it openness, call me a heretic. I think people
should be kind to one another, and at times, I think in certain ways, religion
can be used as emotional black mail. Just as the complete lack of it can be a
guilt trip on one’s intelligence for belief, too. At the end of the day, the
way I see it, what brings you peace is a useful thing. But you should strive to
try not to make other people uncomfortable. There is a case for pushing
people’s comfort zones, and there is a case for allowing people to live their
lives at they see fit. For further thoughts on my view point, see the This
American Life Podcast “Heretics,” about an Evangelical pastor that decides he
no longer believes in hell, that Jesus’ death accounted for everyone whether
they accept Jesus or not. It’s truly beautiful. Ok that’s my rant on religion,
and clarification on why I’ve been feeling so torn up, in some respects.
Related to, but slightly different from above – I’ve realized that sometimes,
when you think something has been put in your path for you to learn a lesson –
maybe there is someone that needs to learn from you. I told you, I’m agnostic,
I prefer to look for some figment of reason, some spiritual alignment in the
universe even if I’m a little too free spirited to enjoy organized religious
worship or study, and even though I will argue for hours that not everything
has ‘a reason,’ there is randomness and entropy we are subjected to in this
life, as there are moments that are not coincidence, too. I will have my cake
and eat it too.
Over the past few days, some of my cognitive dissonance and discontent has been
challenged in other ways. It is so hard, and so taxing to have to think about
who I can talk to about what – whether it is religious in nature, about our
Chinese tax reporting, or otherwise. It is such a game of masks and I hate
that. I am not unfamiliar with wearing masks, and it would be present in my
home culture, whether there was this level of dissonance or not. But it’s nice
to see a break in the muck at times, to see, here is a place I can help, here
is a place I can grow, too, and be genuine, be me.
We don’t need no stinking transitions!
A week ago, I severely injured my right ankle. After spending so much of last
year struggling with my left foot and then my back, I’ve been supremely frustrated.
Being someone that prides herself on independence and ‘doing it myself,’ and
living in a culture that doesn’t necessarily ‘do’ handicap accessible – it’s
extremely frustrating. That all I did was miss a stair in the dark and ‘bam,’
that is the most frustrating (nevermind the financial implications and setback
to my savings plan). The gossip at my place of employment, whether extreme or
mild – is also disconcerting.
In some ways, I wish I had written before my injury, to get more of the
philosophical musing down before the hard line ‘and so it goes.’
I knew this chapter of my adventure would not be easy. It is
a new country for me, an adjustment to so much. I just didn’t forsee quite this
level. I guess that is how it always is. But I will not say “That’s just life,”
I’ve decided I hate that phrase with a passion. Why do I hate that phrase with
a passion? As I reflect on the one year anniversary of a dear friend’s suicide,
just 2 days ago was that anniversary– it’s because of this: when someone is
truly, truly down and nearly out – the phrase “that’s just life,” plays to the
destructive thought “well then why am I living, if this is all there is?”
Perhaps that sounds too extreme, too sensitive. But if I’ve learned anything the
last year, as I’ve faced my cognitive dissonance, culture incongruence,
physical and emotional pain – it’s that the simple things matter. It matters
from having the means to obtain healthy food, to the day or hours by which you
miss a friend in passing during travel, to the slightest sentence – it matters.
Don’t pressurize it, but don’t trivialize it, because it matters.
I’ve managed to reflect on nostalgia when moving, the domesticity of buying
furniture and briefly, human consumption and debt, religious incongruence, and
my injury and difficulty asking for help. Yeah – you could say I couldn’t pick
a topic today. If you followed along with me, congrats, if you think I’m nuts –
well if you’ve read this far you knew that by now, didn’t you?
“Nothing scares me any more, kiss me hard before you go.”