All The Single Ladies

Justifying Life as a Single Female Expat

I really just have to write this post. It’s something all expats deal with to some extent, and it’s an issue that doesn’t stop bothering me. If you dislike sarcasm or reading posts with any cynicism or negativity, skip this one. I can only be who I am. But I feel my message is important.

1: If I were an American deployed in the military, I would have full support for being away. Regardless of your position on American foreign policy, it’s just too taboo to say otherwise about our men and women in uniform. Well, unless they are women that have been raped by their peers, then they were asking for it and we shouldn’t have to pay for them to receive counseling. *shakes head at the state of things* But really, my point stands: If I were deployed I bet not ONE person would have the guts to call me selfish or guilt trip me about not coming home more often. Because I’m making sacrifices for my country, so I must not be selfish.

2: If I were abroad following my husband. If I were married and my husband was transferred abroad, or if I moved abroad in order to marry someone, people might try and talk HIM out of it or talk him into moving to the US, but I would have full support. Oh, the poor expat wife, it must be sooo hard for you to be off in a foreign land where not all of the toilets are Western and the taxis don’t have seatbelts! The horror! And if you have kids: have you found a suitable International school? Will the kid’s education suffer? Newsflash: the idea that women can’t pee standing up is a lie. And guess what else? Urine does not carry diseases (95% of the time or so). As for education – don’t get me started on the state education being systematically dismantled.

3: If you’re just taking a ‘gap year’ to ‘find yourself.’ Oh kids today, they’ve just gotta get the travel bug out of their systems before they come home and ‘get their real job.’ It’s just a phase, they’ll grow out of it.

Tell me again, what’s a real job? How about a fake job? My personal take on the semantics of this is that no job is ‘real,’ because we all aspire to attain a perfect job that doesn’t really exist. Other views include the idea that all jobs are real – because, truly, when is valid employment NOT real? I added the qualifier of ‘valid,’ there are certainly scams out there.

4. And then there’s the rest of us. The Misfits. The true traitors of our country who dare to stay abroad for more than one year. There must be something pathologically wrong with us to stay away from the great First World Pillars of the planet, the land of milk and honey. The Patriot Act says so. Oh it doesn’t say that? Well do you know what it does say? That’s what I thought. Also, I’m lactose intolerant and it’s more like the land of subsidized high fructose corn syrup and cheap laundered Chinese honey. I know I know, there she goes again with her cynicism… Really though, the expat crowd, we’re all off our rockers. Every last one. Maybe we have neurosyphilis. Yes, yes we must test expats for that annually! Sluts, the lot of them! With dollar signs on their foreheads!

WHAT?!?! You’re not coming home?!?!? WHY?!?!
Uh, can I even get a job at Starbucks at ‘home?’ NO!
Do you realize it takes me exactly one month’s salary for that round trip ticket?
Do you have any concept of how a Thai Government school calendar operates? Yes I no longer work at a Thai government school. See point one, add relocation, visa reapplication and haven’t gotten my next paycheck yet costs. Consider this along with plane ticket.

But, is it safe for you to be abroad as a single female?
Seriously? Really seriously? Would you like me to pull up the crime statistics for YOUR city? That’s what I thought.

But you’re living in a third world country!
I have better access to health care here than I do anywhere in the United States. And if push really comes to shove, they can see me for cash. This has served me many times, where in the states I would have had to rush back to my mother to beg for grocery money when the medical bills came due (on her health insurance at the time, to boot).
I have greater access to public transport than I’ve had in any other place I’ve lived. I get on just fine with no car.

But, you could make more money in the US!
Again, working where, exactly, that would hire me in my field and that I would be happy doing, and that would provide health care and an actual living wage? There are millions of Americans that would like to know. McDonald’s is not a valid response to someone with a Bachelor’s degree. Your mom will give you money or you can save money by living at home is also not a valid concept for a 20 something when there are clear alternatives available. Not sorry they are abroad. If you’re a 20 something at your parents, I’m sorry – and I understand your pain, fellow graduate of the Great Recession. We’ll make it through.

But, how are you going to find a boyfriend? Why can’t you find a boyfriend there?
Again, this is your concern why? And that worked out so well in every case in the states, didn’t it? You know, it’s kind of nice to just book a flight to Chiang Mai and just go. I require permission from no man. If I were to get married, I would simply forfeit my rights to sign for many things on my own without my husband’s permission in many countries. I want to do that why? Last time I checked possession of a vagina is not considered a mental disorder (well, unless you were born with a penis in Thailand, then the Thai military DOES classify this as a mental disorder). Though I wouldn’t put it past the Republicans.

But, you keep getting sick!
And this is different from my life in America how? Right, in that I can afford to go to the doctor here, they speak English and the quality of care is just fine.

But, America has the best sandwiches!
Life is about sacrifices.

I realize that most American citizens will probably never understand my expat life. I will still be asked when I plan to come home, when I’m finding a boyfriend/getting married/getting pregnant (a global curse), when I’m going to grad school and I will still constantly be asked why I left the US in the first place.

I will be told to be more positive about my travel adventures; to tone it down, calm down, there will always be unsolicited advice. But you know what? I’m living a life that I am proud of. Can you say that? Or are you living vicariously through people that are following dreams you turned down or gave up? Well-behaved women rarely make history. And living your dreams does not play out in the utopian way that non-lived dreams are authored.

I’d like you to consider the fact that you would not question someone in the military, a married woman or a single male going abroad (at least not as much as us ladies), so effectively, you’re sabotaging the support network of us single ladies abroad when you ask these things and nothing else – and frankly, we would like the same support everyone else gets. We know things like the glass ceiling, sexual harassment, and unequal rights aren’t going away. But do we have to get the unintended, brain washed comments from those who care for us, whom we care for? I bet you’ve never thought of those questions that way. But think about how you’d feel if these queries comprised 90% of your communication from back ‘home.’ Does that compose 90% of your daily conversations? No, it doesn’t.

I’m sorry you made other choices in life, I’m sorry you wished you could travel, wished you were young, wished you hadn’t had kids, whatever. But that is your choice. And this is mine. I am not selfish. I am not unsafe. And I’ve done alright even as I’ve learned that people in my home country may never understand, and as my support network has retreated inwards and I’ve had to move on. I admit it bothers me now, to think that so many people I care about simply do not have the frame of reference or common experience to connect on the new levels I have found. I don’t mean to attack anyone’s lack of experience. And I realize to some, this will just be seen as more whining.

But I hope that perhaps you will start to understand the fact that, perhaps there is great misunderstanding even when you mean well. And the fact that I’ve chosen to lead a life quite different is simply that – different.

And I will never have to say, I wish I had traveled instead. Will you?

Changing of the Guard, or Who’s in Charge here anyway?

So, my travel woes…that story will have to wait until it’s closer to resolved, especially as it’s gotten hairy enough to be beyond what you should blog. I really hope it doesn’t come to small claims court, but it’s not out of the realm of possibility right now.
Whatever, I’m back. So let’s get back to our narrative and I’ll worry about that mess.

The Dutch, British, and two Canadian teachers have left the school, some as previously mentioned.
Our office now consists of: The High Strung American (hey, I’m working on it), The Filipino, The German, The South African, two (soon to be three) Thai teachers, The Boss Lady, an Irishman and an Aussie.
The new guys ask me all sorts of questions. As if I have some sort of authority or clue around here. I think it’s cute they think I might have any answers for them. My best advice for the Aussie, at a loss for teaching a computer program he doesn’t know, was “just don’t bang your head into the wall too much.” I’m thankful I don’t have to teach computers, for lots of reasons, enough that we can skip that drama.
Believe it or not I’ve learned to roll with it a little bit (when it doesn’t involve my credit card), when it comes to teaching or ‘working’ around here; though it is so much easier when all I have to worry about is the chalkboard and not the technology. I can adapt a class that isn’t reliant on technology that is lacking.

Our schedules have been rearranged a lot this semester, as per an intraschool political battle and the fact that one too many foreign English teachers has been hired. As such, to appease the ‘Thai side,’ (non-English immersion) side of the school, a couple of us have classes on the Thai side now. And in order for us all to have a full teaching load, in student contact hours as per our contract, we have white teachers assisting white teachers. Oh sorry, should I say foreigner? It’s same same really. Well...I’m not getting started on that one right now.
This is, apparently, all the more ironic because a few years back there was a big stink and all assistant teachers were kicked out of English Program.
I’d say a good summary here is reverse, reverse!
As such, with dual teachers it’s sometimes difficult to tell who’s in charge of a class. This is slowly getting ironed out, but in the meantime, too many cooks in the kitchen. When things are settled, having an assistant teacher can be a blessing; so far here it’s almost been more of a hindrance everything is so up in the air. The classrooms are small enough the ‘assistant’ has to work just to stay out of the way. And as is common to all human interaction, some teacher pairs work better than others. That’s as far as I’m going with that.

The new computer lab has materialized. My desk is still here! We have teacher’s computers (this is really quite fancy), we even have internet that is mostly functional! Though not enough jacks for every teacher to be online at once. Oh, foresight. The water hasn’t even stopped working yet this semester! The ‘library’ even has some books in it now. As my colleague said “well it’s a room with books in it, let’s not get carried away here,” when I got excited about the books, they are mostly text books in boxes. It does, to its credit, have computers (that are set up and work!). I wonder how long before they go viral.

Some other happenings: food poisoning again, beat it back with a stick this time. Now it’s official, now I am back in Thailand. Getting charged double at the hospital. We’ll call this the white person tax. But really? The hospital? I didn’t even realize it until I discussed it with a colleague who nearly spewed his beverage across the table, (and it was still a bargain compared to even stateside minute clinic prices), but come on. Christian hospital. Of course. I know I make four times the average Thai worker. But we pay double and triple when things like this occur.
I have a Thai Social Card! Therefore, I now have Thai health insurance. Almost. Is that sorted yet? No of course not. Though they will likely, eventually, reimburse me for half of my latest hospital bill, the amount it should have cost. And with the Thai Social Card, this overcharge situation shouldn’t happen in the future.

I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again. Why? Is the most pointless question you’ll ever ask in Thailand. A much more suitable question is Ok, so now what? And be prepared for at least three changes. And the answer is probably not actually the answer. Just go with it, well, most of the time. Pick your battles wisely.

Things I enjoy: the restaurant where I’ve gotten breakfast a couple of times before work, called Jenny restaurant. Not because of my patronage.
Thinking to myself, “How many of my friends rode to work on a motorbike taxi today? In a skirt? Not side saddle? In the RAIN???” Probably not many even among my friends here. Admittedly sometimes I do ride side saddle now. If I were Catholic I’d cross myself before doing this.

Having decent headphones and making youtube, twitter, facebook and blog writing look like work. Well at least until I get 20 tabs open and realize what a waste of time THAT is. How to be as unproductive as possible: log in to twitter and start reading all of the links your friends have shared. Great for looking busy though. Learned some cool stuff. Skype has been blocked again, and the office is much more populated now any way. Haven’t bothered attempting to install messenger. GoogleChat works :-).
More than ever I worry I’m going to be too lazy for a non-Thai workload after all this, though I’m starting my first round of distance graduate work in two weeks and I’m certainly not lacking for outside projects.

I would beat myself over the head trying to lesson plan, but, it would appear the basic lesson plan is ‘plow through as much of the grammar book/writing book/reading book as possible.’ And while that seems like pretty low level teaching, as long as the schedule is still all loosey goosey and I’m just now back to solid food, I’m just rolling with it. Some of the book lessons aren’t too bad. Some of them might as well be in Greek. Meh. I have fall backs. I can’t really call them plans, like I said, or I suppose quote, “I’m making this up as I go.” I still don’t have a talking dragon side kick, OR a robot. Lame.

Stop Thinking Like an American

Stop Thinking Like an American!

The past few days this thought has been at the forefront of my mind; more so than such regulars as: no I don’t need tuk-tuk, no I don’t want to go to Ping-Pong Show, no I don’t need massage, I don’t have to answer “where you go?” and one of the most important phrases: ‘mai pet,’ (not spicy).
I try NOT to look in the mirror in the morning while applying mascara thinking putting on my makeup is the most important thing I will do today for what is expected of me at my job; and the female farang aesthetic that is favored. I am more than a cute white girl that speaks English and poses for staged school photos. At least I tell myself that, and some days are better than others. That’s just how it is.

It is normal practice for students’ parent’s to call them during class. Yesterday when one girl had her phone off, her mom called her friend’s phone to get in touch with her. I confiscate phones during the lesson when students are playing games or listening to music; but it’s quite the uphill battle – and I can’t confiscate the phone when their parent has just called them. Though I have answered a parent phone call that rang after it had already been confiscated for playing in class – that was fun. He had to call his father back and speak to him in Thai explaining his farang English teacher took his phone for playing in class. Am I sure he actually said that? His classmates confirmed, but who knows. I’ve also been advised by a few people NOT to learn Thai, for the reason that it will detract from my “oh I’m foreign I don’t know!” excuse, and also allow me to know when people are gossiping about me, because it’s generally assumed farangs don’t know Thai. Whatever, I speak Nit Noy (little bit); and I don’t care if I overhear gossip about me. Lying to a person’s face is basic cultural practice in Thailand any way, thought plenty of Thais shun this – it’s pretty standard.

I’ve retreated to McDonald’s just outside the university a few times as opposed to the mysterious school lunch of the day. At least I have some idea of the horrors I’m subjecting my gastrointestinal system to with the Golden Arches. I will also note that not every McD’s features the ‘Double Big Mac,’ I’ve only encountered it at the store right next to school so far. Also – Democracy Monument, road, McDonald’s. Watch the Red Shirt Protest (much more relaxed and less frequent since this past spring, and often at a location besides Democracy Monument now) while enjoying a double cheeseburger in AirCon. Also, Democracy Monument was designed by an Italian that immigrated to Thailand, he was bestowed with a Thai name at some point as some honor – anyway Thailand and Italy get along alright from what I can tell. Sometimes Thailand tries to be Italy, sometimes it wants to be Japan, sometimes it wants to be China…it’s a chameleon. Another aside on the Red Shirts – they burned down part of the largest mall in Bangkok this past spring. Talk about antithesis of political apathy; let’s oust the government and burn down the consumerist establishment that suppresses the proletariat with its bourgeoisie merchandise! Too much allusion to revolutionary France? Yeah, I thought so too but I find the whole mess quite entertaining. You can’t say the Thais lack passion.
I consider myself an adventurous eater, but I’m not keen on what us foreigners have come to call ‘gloopy soup,’ or rather those who came before me call it that so I do as well, which is composed of the gas bladders of fish, a near tasteless broth that is better described as the consistency of brown rubber cement, and top it off with the jello blood cubes for good measure. No amount of spices, herbs or noodles can save that soup, if you can call it soup, especially when created by a school cafeteria. I’m told many of the Thai teachers retreat to eat elsewhere for this particular gem as well. Luckily for the students, they have other options available for purchase – such as breaded chicken tenders (pretty good actually), boiled quail eggs wrapped in wontons fried on a stick, “sausages” (I have yet to see any Thai sausage that didn’t look like a hot dog, or scarier version thereof, except for Isan sausage), ice cream, and other such delicacies. I’m suspect of the school sushi pack offering. If I’m going to get food poisoning, I’d prefer not over taking a gamble on something paid for from the school cafeteria. The basic cafeteria meal is 600 baht per semester, not pay by meal. That’s about 20 dollars for the whole semester, which probably also helps explain some things. The other additional snacks are pay options.
The frequency of the water not working has drastically decreased, but not vanished, as construction on various projects is still ongoing. Toilet paper has reappeared in the bathrooms as well, though once the school runs out for the day, the week, or the semester you’re just on your own. I now have a stash of Kleenex packs in my desk (and I actually have a desk now!). It is a bit easier than having to remember to carry in a supply daily. There are even larger packs specifically designed for people to cart around with them for the restroom, and you can find these items in any 7/11. I stopped counting the number of 7/11s I walk by on a daily basis.
Students can pretty much go to the bathroom whenever, and since there are not nearly enough toilets for everyone, they go in packs and take 15-20 minutes of class to do it. They’ve been pretty shocked when I’ve told them no, wait a minute instead of immediately permitting them to leave the classroom. I’m also slowly training my charges to say “may I go to the bathroom?” instead of “teacher may I go toilet?” Yes, this is Thailand, “just accept it,” but some minor things I can change, and this is one of them. I tried restroom, but the L versus R thing makes bathroom much easier for them to say. Sometimes it sounds slightly like bathloom, which seems better than lestloom; only one R/L switch instead of two. But the struggles with pronunciation vary from student to student.

There seems to be a penchant for Christmas style strands of lights around town year round, but I am noticing the usual amount is multiplying as Christmas and New Years approach. We do actually get some time off for ‘International New Years,’ though none off for Christmas, officially. In fact my poor students are beginning midterms tomorrow, Christmas Eve – 7 exams a day, 3 days of exams, two days off to study in between (teachers report to work on marking). Today we have ‘regular’ class, but since approximately 8 students out of 30 are here, it’s free time/study time and I’m babysitting. Or just making sure they don’t burn down the building. Student supervision is much more lax here. Theft really isn’t a problem either, but then again, everyone here (at this school) is wealthy enough to have the exact phone, mp3 player and jacket they want. There is some fighting, bullying, and as previously mentioned, my boss is quite active in sabotaging student relationships.
Cheating on class work is a huge problem, in fact the exams will be given with two grade levels mixed up in a single classroom taking different exams – it would be silly to copy off of an M. 1 student for your M. 3 exam, now wouldn’t it? Copying and plagiarism aren’t really viewed as a problem for things other than exams. I’m working on that with my students– but again, T.I.T., just get used to it is the general view I’ve been met with on this. I wonder if the students will be allowed to keep their cell phones during the exam – that would pretty much defeat the point as they can text each other answers under their desks. They probably do. Though I feel sorry for an 11 year old subjected to 21 exams in under a week.

Besides learning about Thailand, I’ve learned a lot about South Africa, Britain, Germany and Holland from my coworkers. It’s interesting when I have a “what?” moment after learning something about one of these countries; similar to the reaction I get from some of them when describing something about America that they did not know. Though they already knew about our Health Care nightmares, and rest assured, America has a terrible reputation abroad for Health Care, as confirmed by every non-American I’ve polled so far. Yes, that’s a limited sample, but it doesn’t say a lot for our image abroad does it? One of the Thais in the office that worked in Wisconsin for 6 months refused to go to the doctor while in the U.S. because she was afraid of how much she would have to pay. Sounds like college “do I go to the hospital or not?” woes all over again.
I still applaud Purdue for making ambulances available to students in the dorms free of charge – imagine the deaths by alcohol poisoning and neglected illness there would be otherwise. I know this from the semester of the unfortunate stomach flu the week after all four wisdom teeth were extracted; and arguing with the residence hall staff and concerned floor mates that my mom would kill me if we had to deal with ambulances charges (this was day 4 of being unable to keep food or water down); and I conceded once they told me it was free for students, though the medic ended up looking me over and saying the hospital would just send me right back since I’d just been in the outpatient ER for a liter of IV saline that afternoon. In fact my mom DID freak out about the cost when I told her about this until I reassured her Purdue covers the ambulance for the dorms.
I’m not going to laud the health care systems of other countries against the U.S. system, for example the fact remains here that disfigured people sit on the street and beg for a few baht; nothing is accessible to everyone in any country, regardless of the hype.
I’m sitting in the computer lab babysitting my 8 students currently, but since my computer is in the shop, this will likely be the last post until at least after Christmas. No promises of a time table on that. Also, apologies for the limited email communication, especially the update list, though I hope my previous posts on technology woes and generalized rant help shed some light on that mess. So Merry Christmas or Marry Chriastmas if you prefer, Happy New Year and all that jazz.