All The Single Ladies

Justifying Life as a Single Female Expat

I really just have to write this post. It’s something all expats deal with to some extent, and it’s an issue that doesn’t stop bothering me. If you dislike sarcasm or reading posts with any cynicism or negativity, skip this one. I can only be who I am. But I feel my message is important.

1: If I were an American deployed in the military, I would have full support for being away. Regardless of your position on American foreign policy, it’s just too taboo to say otherwise about our men and women in uniform. Well, unless they are women that have been raped by their peers, then they were asking for it and we shouldn’t have to pay for them to receive counseling. *shakes head at the state of things* But really, my point stands: If I were deployed I bet not ONE person would have the guts to call me selfish or guilt trip me about not coming home more often. Because I’m making sacrifices for my country, so I must not be selfish.

2: If I were abroad following my husband. If I were married and my husband was transferred abroad, or if I moved abroad in order to marry someone, people might try and talk HIM out of it or talk him into moving to the US, but I would have full support. Oh, the poor expat wife, it must be sooo hard for you to be off in a foreign land where not all of the toilets are Western and the taxis don’t have seatbelts! The horror! And if you have kids: have you found a suitable International school? Will the kid’s education suffer? Newsflash: the idea that women can’t pee standing up is a lie. And guess what else? Urine does not carry diseases (95% of the time or so). As for education – don’t get me started on the state education being systematically dismantled.

3: If you’re just taking a ‘gap year’ to ‘find yourself.’ Oh kids today, they’ve just gotta get the travel bug out of their systems before they come home and ‘get their real job.’ It’s just a phase, they’ll grow out of it.

Tell me again, what’s a real job? How about a fake job? My personal take on the semantics of this is that no job is ‘real,’ because we all aspire to attain a perfect job that doesn’t really exist. Other views include the idea that all jobs are real – because, truly, when is valid employment NOT real? I added the qualifier of ‘valid,’ there are certainly scams out there.

4. And then there’s the rest of us. The Misfits. The true traitors of our country who dare to stay abroad for more than one year. There must be something pathologically wrong with us to stay away from the great First World Pillars of the planet, the land of milk and honey. The Patriot Act says so. Oh it doesn’t say that? Well do you know what it does say? That’s what I thought. Also, I’m lactose intolerant and it’s more like the land of subsidized high fructose corn syrup and cheap laundered Chinese honey. I know I know, there she goes again with her cynicism… Really though, the expat crowd, we’re all off our rockers. Every last one. Maybe we have neurosyphilis. Yes, yes we must test expats for that annually! Sluts, the lot of them! With dollar signs on their foreheads!

WHAT?!?! You’re not coming home?!?!? WHY?!?!
Uh, can I even get a job at Starbucks at ‘home?’ NO!
Do you realize it takes me exactly one month’s salary for that round trip ticket?
Do you have any concept of how a Thai Government school calendar operates? Yes I no longer work at a Thai government school. See point one, add relocation, visa reapplication and haven’t gotten my next paycheck yet costs. Consider this along with plane ticket.

But, is it safe for you to be abroad as a single female?
Seriously? Really seriously? Would you like me to pull up the crime statistics for YOUR city? That’s what I thought.

But you’re living in a third world country!
I have better access to health care here than I do anywhere in the United States. And if push really comes to shove, they can see me for cash. This has served me many times, where in the states I would have had to rush back to my mother to beg for grocery money when the medical bills came due (on her health insurance at the time, to boot).
I have greater access to public transport than I’ve had in any other place I’ve lived. I get on just fine with no car.

But, you could make more money in the US!
Again, working where, exactly, that would hire me in my field and that I would be happy doing, and that would provide health care and an actual living wage? There are millions of Americans that would like to know. McDonald’s is not a valid response to someone with a Bachelor’s degree. Your mom will give you money or you can save money by living at home is also not a valid concept for a 20 something when there are clear alternatives available. Not sorry they are abroad. If you’re a 20 something at your parents, I’m sorry – and I understand your pain, fellow graduate of the Great Recession. We’ll make it through.

But, how are you going to find a boyfriend? Why can’t you find a boyfriend there?
Again, this is your concern why? And that worked out so well in every case in the states, didn’t it? You know, it’s kind of nice to just book a flight to Chiang Mai and just go. I require permission from no man. If I were to get married, I would simply forfeit my rights to sign for many things on my own without my husband’s permission in many countries. I want to do that why? Last time I checked possession of a vagina is not considered a mental disorder (well, unless you were born with a penis in Thailand, then the Thai military DOES classify this as a mental disorder). Though I wouldn’t put it past the Republicans.

But, you keep getting sick!
And this is different from my life in America how? Right, in that I can afford to go to the doctor here, they speak English and the quality of care is just fine.

But, America has the best sandwiches!
Life is about sacrifices.

I realize that most American citizens will probably never understand my expat life. I will still be asked when I plan to come home, when I’m finding a boyfriend/getting married/getting pregnant (a global curse), when I’m going to grad school and I will still constantly be asked why I left the US in the first place.

I will be told to be more positive about my travel adventures; to tone it down, calm down, there will always be unsolicited advice. But you know what? I’m living a life that I am proud of. Can you say that? Or are you living vicariously through people that are following dreams you turned down or gave up? Well-behaved women rarely make history. And living your dreams does not play out in the utopian way that non-lived dreams are authored.

I’d like you to consider the fact that you would not question someone in the military, a married woman or a single male going abroad (at least not as much as us ladies), so effectively, you’re sabotaging the support network of us single ladies abroad when you ask these things and nothing else – and frankly, we would like the same support everyone else gets. We know things like the glass ceiling, sexual harassment, and unequal rights aren’t going away. But do we have to get the unintended, brain washed comments from those who care for us, whom we care for? I bet you’ve never thought of those questions that way. But think about how you’d feel if these queries comprised 90% of your communication from back ‘home.’ Does that compose 90% of your daily conversations? No, it doesn’t.

I’m sorry you made other choices in life, I’m sorry you wished you could travel, wished you were young, wished you hadn’t had kids, whatever. But that is your choice. And this is mine. I am not selfish. I am not unsafe. And I’ve done alright even as I’ve learned that people in my home country may never understand, and as my support network has retreated inwards and I’ve had to move on. I admit it bothers me now, to think that so many people I care about simply do not have the frame of reference or common experience to connect on the new levels I have found. I don’t mean to attack anyone’s lack of experience. And I realize to some, this will just be seen as more whining.

But I hope that perhaps you will start to understand the fact that, perhaps there is great misunderstanding even when you mean well. And the fact that I’ve chosen to lead a life quite different is simply that – different.

And I will never have to say, I wish I had traveled instead. Will you?

"Welcome to Thailand"

Whenever I'm absolutely and completely baffled by something, one of the other foreign teachers just looks at me and says "Welcome to Thailand."
You mean you can't fail students?  (At least not until M. 4, which is 10th grade, and even then...)
So, students don't need a pass to leave class or school early?  They can just go?  Ok, so no way to control students skipping class.  I see.
You shut the computer lab down by just flipping the breakers off?  *head desk*
The grammar text book uses the phrase: "as high as a kite" to describe extreme happiness.  Right.  Who proof read that?
You mean junk food is actually expensive, and healthy food is actually cheap?
The same companies that sell self-tanning lotion in the states, sell "skin whitening" lotions here.
Instead of catching and euthanizing stray dogs and cats, people set out their scraps for them.  They have about as much free reign of the streets and sidewalks as people do.
Along with priority seating for the elderly, small children and pregnant women, the buses also have a priority seating area for monks.
Nearly microscopic ants are everywhere.  No really, everywhere.  And they will eat anything remotely resembling food.  Candles made of vegetable wax?  Yum!  Lipstick on the rim of a water glass?  Tasty!
The Thai language doesn't really have tenses.  So, when there is talk of something happening 'tomorrow,' that is a very sweeping generalization that could be tomorrow or two years from now.

Alright, so moving on.  The floor is down in the future computer room.  One of the main office computers has internet.  The water has been working most of the time in the women's bathrooms.  The men's  rooms are still out of order, so one of the women's rooms has been designated the men's room until further notice.  My student that enjoys makeup?  Well, he also wears heels higher than I would, and when all done up for the dance competition, had boys in another class turning heads and demanding to know who 'she' was.  They were embarrassed and disappointed to find out it was a boy.  Though truth be told I'm not certain the head master is aware of any of this, she might faint.

So while we're on the topic of gender, let's discuss dating.  Whenever students begin dating, the head master makes a point to try and get them to break up.  This is not a secret, in fact even today a student in M. 1 (7th grade) got up and gave a sarcastic commentary on the matter, in English no less.  The headmaster even asked me to tell the students that in America, students don't date at this age.  That it's just "puppy love."  I met this request with a blank stare of confusion, which was clarified for me with the phrase, "tell lie, tell lie."  I proceeded to nod and smile while thinking to myself, no way.  In fact, this attitude of intervening in matters of dating extends to the teachers as well, and not just in affairs of match making.  My boss flat out told me when I moved, "only women in your apartment."  And kept reiterating, albeit with slightly incorrect English, that I should only have women visit my apartment.  She even made some remark about the whole building being only women.  Yes, I moved into a convent.  I should never allow a repairman to fix the leaky faucet in my bathroom or change the light bulb I can't reach.  And heaven forbid a male relative ever set foot here.  Alright, so, on the one hand you try and play matchmaker and set me up, and on the other you tell me not to bring anyone home, under any circumstance ever?  And on what planet does this make sense?
It did apparently assuage the 9th graders that she is currently trying to pry apart that she also tries to meddle in the teacher's love lives.  "Really?  But she's a teacher!"  Exactly.  It's not appropriate at either level, but at least it is consistent.  Personally, I find the greatest hilarity in the situation today.  Male student that enjoys wearing heels and makeup was sitting "too close" to a female student as they worked on an assignment together.  Head master comes over and scolds them, telling her "don't sit so close to him!"  As this scene was recreated for me, he did a little curtsy and hand flourish - and none of us could help but laugh at the sheer level of ridiculousness of the whole mess.

Bathrooms

Oh yes, I'm very worldly.  I'm completely prepared to remain calm upon seeing a HUGE cockroach skittering around my bathroom floor.  It's the one crawling up from my sink drain while I'm washing my hands I'm not prepared for.  And of course, with the Thai custom of removing your shoes before entering living spaces, I'm barefoot to boot.
So, I think I'll just avoid my bathroom for awhile.  They'll skitter elsewhere eventually, right?  Or maybe I'll just go get Thomas or Ming to take care of them.  Thomas and Ming are two of the street cats that have pretty much been adopted by this apartment complex.  They're pretty chill.  Actually, possibly too chill to care about a cockroach.
I had a second non-Thai dinner this evening.  The Dutch teacher, one of the "officers" (school secretaries) and I had falafel for dinner at a place that caters to Israeli backpackers in Banglamphu.  It is within walking distance of my apartment, and on a cool day like today we can also walk from school.  There is quite a lot within walking distance from my place.  Now that I can at least manage to get on the correct bus to go to school and come home I can explore further.
I've come to the conclusion that I will be teaching in two buildings for the entire semester.  Today I caught a glimpse of what I think is going to be the new computer room.  The floor and walls are not finished, and possibly none of the wiring.  In fact, I think it would be lucky if it is done by next school year.  The other teachers believe it will take two months just to get the teacher's office put back together.  I'll just be thankful if I have a desk eventually.  Opening a cupboard for my legs and using the kitchen counter for grading only goes so far.
The water was functioning in the bathrooms today.  Yay western toilets!  The new ones do look very nice at least, although 3 toilets and 2 sinks for each gender's bathroom really doesn't cover a student body of 180.  It sure beats the raw sewage smell that emanates throughout the other building.  In both cases the sewer system isn't set to handle paper, so you throw it out instead of flushing it.
Yesterday I had my first instance of having to ask a male student to quit putting his makeup on during class.  Foundation and blush, for starters.  Thankfully that behavior is a lot more common in Thailand, and as such does not relegate him to the kind of middle school ridicule it would in the states.  Parents are also more accepting of it as well, I'm told.
I wonder if the cockroaches have scuttled off yet...